I think I’m freaking out. I think pressure is finally letting out a lot of stuff. My tendency is to put *everything* in the realm of the mind for a thorough examination and a solution. That’s too exhausting. So, I’ll be writing in a manner overloaded like in poetry without being poetic.
I’m sick of what I do, in the manner it is done. I like it too, when it is working. There is a lot that I can see. Even a company. Boredom can kill me. It is no good to me, like abuse. When can I stop “making it” and when does it stop if ever? The Trump way? Is this calling: sour grapes?
Can I not get good without a return? Does any good I do… be gouged in “goodness”? Must it be? Am I deserving even if having already and there? Also with love, do I have to be perfect or stun you with a body that I claim to take care of through meditative exercise? Some system I invent to get to this end? What if I’m tired? Landmark says: no reason to stop, just a reason.
Why cannot things be? Just be correct as they are. Even the unworkable is as is. Why must I fight and live a given way? Can I not die to the past AND future every moment? Then I do, then I get seduced again when things work out.
So, I’m changing careers, as I am sick of the jobs offered and the crap I’m doing. Do I delve into solitude and invent something? Like a hermit? Yes, I can. I have thoughts and ideas. Why am I tormented by having to “cease and desist” like a pathological imbecile? Then I gouge it for profit and business. Then I temper it with philanthropy? Then I claim: better early, with open source?
Why must I live in struggle? Would I have to die to stop it? What if I die to it? I can have no guarantees. I must leap to let it happen. But I really don’t want to go on the trip. It is such a stupid distraction, and if it costs me a friendship that does not understand then that shall die too.
Do I have access to all that is running? I think life is too complex to be codified. It is data accumulation. And each is a world. The only rule is there is more. Do things have to make sense? Do I have to be one? Do I have to be sane, or insane? What is this sanity? Is it peace? To live again each day, instead of (or and) die every day? Can I live every day? Why must I be assured?
Is assurance control? When can I die? When can that die? Why is it there? Who or what is being assured? What is lived? Why am I speaking?
So what if I react clinically. I am having a meltdown. Do I have to yell and scream? What about friends and therapists? Why do they cost? Yes, there is a discount. Payment, it was invented, why do I not accept it? I ask why too much. I will stop.
I am tired. My body is aching. Jobs suck. Time sucks. I hate my friends. … No I don’t. I don’t even hate the one Paul. Why does anyone care? Why does he care? Why am I asking again why? Is that it? He cares so I have life? He has feelings so I must do? I now must something? Who says? What if I do not care. What if it is too “expensive” without money.
I said no to the trip. All in one day because I was afraid of a forced trip. Really? Hunker down and stick to it because you said no in the wrong time? Just a matter of time? What if you cancel? Will you die? Will “us” die? So? You stay. I stay. You move on. You have more feelings. I do too. Then we have more life. Then we die to the past and all dies.
… then they say to stretch. I feel less aches and better.
I claim my life is my “destiny” and working out. The crosslink is a relationship. The underlie is peace of spirituality. The earth is friends and the rocks is life and stuff. And the clouds are money and savings. And the obstacles are that. Like: fear, demoralization, “losing it”, thwarting, no money, dying, do the wrong thing and such non-sense. But it is empty. But that is part of peace.
So what if expectation is needed? Work with it. Expect it! ... beat them join them. Be either way. Can I be peaceful? Can I be “friendly towards it”? Can I live unfolding?
… my mind is running. … I hear humming, of machines, and knocks of people. … this is the silence. … I’m resisting it. I’m noticing. There are urges… I am at peace now.