Well, now that I’ve been able to not listen to some of my thoughts, feelings, and moods as fatally as I thought I had to, and now that I’ve been just living, sitting, and just being in “no plan” and seeing that I’m still ok, and now that I’ve been (on top of that) playing with my time and not doing things “I’m supposed to do” and also seeing that I’m still ok… I’m realizing I could extend that to everything else in my life in general and to my interest in automation and programming in particular. What if I program and explore those interests (and they are just interests) as a frivolous activity? What if I live the rest of my life in all of its areas from a lightheartedness of frivolous activity, of play, of non-serious non-fatal action?
Really, if every moment counts, no particular moment (in the past or present) should be more privileged; especially if it is not real and merely a memory I’m wallowing in to play out my self-beating, or a mental simulation from an endless queue of simulations meant to protect my weak sense of self or grip on solidness, which is made-up anyway just like self-confidence.
So, here is a thought. What if I spend some of my time exploring something I really enjoy, like programming and not be afraid of it because I put on to it all the burdens of my heavy weak sense of self? What if I do it just like I play with my stupid Android games, or slightly more involved PC games? And then when I’m done, I lay it down. And when I feel obsessed I notice it and try to put it down but never feel *I have to* keep doing it, let alone doing it in a particular way *my mind* approved of? Or is approving of?