Today, I was reading about patent reform and about all the players involved. I noticed that I was in such seeping pain. I was also doing it to myself through a kind of compulsion. I realized that I was bearing all these people’s interests and reinterpreting them as personal burdens on me. Everything they were doing, their desires, and very existence was just weight on my person.
I felt the direction of it. And thought; well, I don’t understand this. But I can isolate it. God knows how strong it is. I can feel it. I wonder if I can reverse it. Whatever it is, just point it in the other direction. I am doing it but not really doing it. I know how to flip things. I should be able to do this.
And suddenly I saw the tree above the goods rack through the glass from the grocery store. It was wonderful. I was calm. Then later I realized that I grew up being an “inconvenience” and a burden of sorts to a narcissistic parent. So, I believed it as a child and carried it on as the only way I knew how to be in response to that constant forming pressure.
Then an image came to me. It was of transparent a sphere of reality that connects to existence and reflects it and transmits. It forms it and creates it. It is like a mirror or air or a crystal. It was part of reality yet it was reality. And somehow I could not just let it exist to, say, change the view on the color of a building it is reflecting to something else if it chose to for no reason or a temporary reason.
No, I had to tie it with something and choke it, to feel something, to feel that it exists. But I could not believe what I was feeling. So, I had to poke it with even more strength with poles with heavy weights or force digging into it until the sphere became black where pressure was so that it distorted the reality it was reflecting. It was very painful. But somehow I was getting off of that in a very sick way.
I like that image. It was very helpful to see what I was doing and how I could be. I wonder if I could apply that consistently in my life and in other areas and just live.