Today I just realized that I have an easily displaceable self. It is based on a weak sense of self, which is a good kernel, spiritually. But it also includes a kind of “not self”; a kind of anxiety that denies myself in two ways: there is always a higher priority and a place for someone else’s presence, just like a car always has a driver seat, no matter how able it might be to run its own self. And the second piece, which is most important, there is a built-in “alarm” of sorts whenever I am left alone “to run myself” or when I have no “driver” whether it is someone else or a portion of myself that is “driving” me with control in mind. The “alarm” serves to discontinue what I’m doing and to check once more for a possible controlling factor, thereby interrupting and discouraging any blissful action. That piece explains a lot. All of these components are one.
I think they all came from a child’s coping with “being run” or controlled by his parents… so much so that that is all he knows and that it became a part of him to include that control even when he is not controlled externally. When my inexperienced coworker asks for my help, he has a style that is commanding, which at once displaces my sense of self. I, of course, have a streak of defiance towards that but sadly it is from a complete belief that he controls me. So, I immediately believe that he controls me when he speaks, which it seems is the only way he knows how to ask for help. Even when he tries to be better, I still see the control and I make it true even it was not really there. I also do that to myself when I want to do something. It always has to come from control, although I’m better at coming from freedom more and more.
But the piece I got is that, even when there is no one around, and I’m in bliss, say watching a show, reading a book, programming, or doing something very immersing, I seem to try to break from that simply and solely because I’m having too much fun, and because whatever I’m doing without being directed “is not right” somehow. I gotta pay attention to something else, not this, not me, not self... especially when I'm fully myself.