Career Planning

I came to realize that I live my life from a belief of:

• I’m not in control
• I’m no good
• Everything is dire

And I believe in them in a self-fulfilling way. I make my life events such that the above become true for me. For example, I consider being there on time or early as relinquishing control to whomever I made the appointment with, even though I believe in being early, myself, in general. So, I end up “defying them” which only prompts them to act in a way that could be easily understood as “asserting control” over me… which only reinforces the idea.

As for the second one, it is very subtle; all my success is a kind of running away from that belief. It does not take me long to somehow agree that I’m useless or worthless or unworthy or simply unfit and no good, even when people tell me to my face that it is not true. I’ll find reasons to make it true especially when I’m not engaged in something… and it is very easy for “doings”; just re-apply them in the wrong context. And I’ve always thrust myself in the wrong context because I felt I won’t fit-in the right context because I won’t be any good. This only makes me not fit-in more which only reinforces the idea. Although it helps to be a “big fish in a small pond”… but I somehow turn it so that it is not good so that I am no good.

And that last one, it just seems to follow me wherever I go, whatever I see. I somehow set myself up as a hero with all the weight of the world on my shoulders, which only crushes and oppresses me even further, which add to my direness which only reinforces the idea.

I think that much of life - on this plane of existence - is a kind of self-fulfilling view. If it’s not one thing it is something else. There has to be something. So, I think it is helpful to:

• First acknowledge and take responsibility for what operating beliefs I already have
• Then realize that I can put-in another view simply by practice and remembering
• Finally, I’d like to put-in a pointer to the ultimate nothingness of all things

 … which is a kind of something. It is a kind of “living towards” that is fulfilled and fulfilling… every moment. It isn’t nihilistic; it is not negative. Rather, just as it sounds but very positive. Obviously, it is not in my words but what the words point to instead.

This is a replacement of dying with living. It is not logical, not causal, and follows no reason. The previous self-fulfilling patterns are centered around pain from childhood, which is inevitable. I had to be run by my father. He only knew how to do it by exerting and imprinting control, which still remains with me. His world was so fragile that it was really dire for him when I did not conform to his world. And yes, that would make me no good and unfit.

All of this is not his fault. I think these are common human conditions that could be easily internalized no matter how “enlightened” a parent is. No matter how much a child grows, there will always be something they are not in control of. They will always be unfit for something. Things do become dire. It is easy to internalize any one of these and more. Any boy do I have a lot of pain in me. Some of it is due to sensitivity and some not current sensitivity but old, echoes of old senses. Some are from self-assertions of a weak ego… which brings me back to why I wrote this entry.

So, I understand that a lot of this is the pain speaking, but there is a legitimate question in there about what I want to do with my career that an incident at work brought up.

I guess the economy is catching up with my current workplace, or it seems to do so in my area. A primary client, for which I was hired for my familiarity with them and having strong pertinent analytical skills… is winding down. There was fear that I might have to be “re-purposed”. What I’m good at, if not augmented with other skills pertaining to what the practice is known for, might not be utilized well.

This is good for 2 reasons. I can prove to myself, once and for all that I’m really “not good” for what I already know, “am good” period and can be good at something new. And these people are willing to have me learn. The other thing is that these people still want me to stay, whereas others might just let me go and hire to the correct cog “ready-made”.

The not so good is that I’d be stepping away from computers and more into document review and analysis for legal support. I have to decide for myself if that means giving up what I normally do (data analysis in the context of project management) and if that means getting away from where I’d like to go for sure (eventually): computer automation of documents analysis.

Wait a minute.

Hmm. Did not think it would work that way. I just saw that it will be less computer intensive, which is true; when really it is going into an area of application and interest of automation. This way I’d do it by hand, which is the right thing to start off with. I guess there is no problem at all!

Well. This is reminding me that… and bringing up that…

• I am bored with what I know how to do well, in any company context
• I am tired with the corporate model for earning a living, in any setting
• I want something new, but I think I want it in more tech not less
• I’m not “high-tech” enough to self-sustain a startup but I want to.

This is helpful. I was thinking that I could:

• Continue with my current company
• Not look for new work because it is all the same
• OR look for work in the startup sector and let go of my stability.

In Don McNay’s Wealth without Wall St. he asks (my paraphrasing):

• Can you handle yourself with irregular income?
• Can you handle free time and open work hours?
• Do you have something that calls you to work on?
• Are you truly satisfied working the way you do?

My answers are yes to all the above. I know how to setup a “salary” for myself. I know how to divide up my time. There is something that calls me to do it. And I’m sure I can leave the structured and impersonal and artificial corporate structure I have.

But the last one does not feel oppressive and is largely setup in may favor. I am pursuing my “interests” in my sporadic spare time. And I keep a good schedule. And I am saving for retirement. So, the questions are not producing something automatic. I still have to have a will to move into something else. The only thing that will push me to do something is a squeeze at my workplace or if I was laid off. Then I’ll have to deal with my panic and what’s next. But that’s not what I want.

I’d like to choose to leave, not feel pushed to, even though I can choose from inside being pushed. But I can choose from inside not being pushed, from within indifference, from within “all hunky-dory” for now.

I think I wrote this entry because I want to make it a priority in my life to develop my strategy for what’s next for me after consulting and taking it more seriously and make it more real. I got reminded of this desire by a little squeeze at work. I thank the heavens for it.

Message delivered. I wonder what I can do about it, feel from it, create for it, or live from it. I’ll see next.