God, I’m so tired. So many obligations, burdens, wants, and dreams.
I want my life to have meaning. But I know that these are just thoughts. Life is lived. Most importantly, I know these are also just wants. And my wants have a dual effect. They simultaneously put down whatever I achieved, lest it stops it from wanting some more, and it never ends in always wanting the next thing… wanting more. It is inside me and it wants more of itself because it is more itself.
Add to this its utilization of my authoritarian past onto my present. And what else could it use but the conditioned from which it came. But I am left with a distrust of myself, because there seems to be no satisfaction… no matter how much I obey. But the truth is… I am lost without direction. I just go to sleep, go to work, watch TV, talk to friends, read this, discover that, experience this and try that. But it does not have to be like this. Otherwise, I demand this or that of myself. Then I die and everything evaporates. And I’m viewing this as if it is pointless. I have to do something with all that.
But I feel I have to fight not to dismiss what I have, whatever it is. Because it’s always the present moment. Yet when I get inspired I have fear. Oh, and fear wants more of itself too. Yes, if I’m afraid of something and run away from it… I get to still have it and be afraid of it. Just like what I do sometimes and keep something I know I don’t know for later.
Hmm, so it’s a “lethal” combination. God knows what else might be at play. Some laziness? Wanting things easy? Simple?
…
Wait. Why don’t I just have what I have. I, already, have what I have. I am what is. Yes, not what I am, but what is. I am the awareness that is aware that there is…whatever. So I already am. I have self-perpetuating dissatisfaction, fear, want, lacking, weakness, unkindness, and unworthiness. I also have patience, clarity, discipline, and kindness. Vision, perseverance, a good heart. And yes, even success.
What I could go home with is: can I be the space for this? I'd really like to achieve something materials ON TOP of a solid non-material foundation. And I'm willing to actually do that.